I’m spending the morning waiting for my car in the repair shop. Four men in flannel (I missed the flannel memo) and I sit around smelling tires and inhaling exhaust fumes while an enchanting little fairy spins effortlessly around her daddy. She climbs on him, giggles, turns around, and twirls once more on the tile floor.
Her pink frilly skirt sways as she moves. Her black cable knit tights sag around her tiny knees, and her puffy coat makes her arms stand out at amusing angles. To top it all off, she’s wearing a shiny crystal tiara, secured with what looks like about 60 bobby pins placed at random.
She’s probably four years old. She’s little, vulnerable, and blissfully unaware of the vast influence this one man—her daddy—will have on her entire life. Her innocence shields her from just how much his character, demeanor, and words are shaping her even now. And to be fair, maybe he doesn’t know it yet, either.
For all the daddies with little girls not yet old enough to express what they need from you, here’s what we wish you knew:
1. How you love me is how I will love myself.
Your love, Daddy, is the first love I’ll feel. It sets the tone for how I’ll treat myself for years to come. When you tell me I am smart, talented, and kind, I’ll believe those things about myself. But when your words are critical or dismissive, those words, too, will become the ones I hear in my own head.
If you show me that I am valuable, not because of my looks or my accomplishments but simply because I am me, I will grow into a woman who knows she is enough. Teach me through your love to love myself.
Actionable Tip
Make a habit of both saying and showing how much you value her. Compliment her character, her hard work, her kindness—things that go beyond appearances or achievements.
2. Ask how I am feeling and listen to my answer.
I need to share my thoughts and feelings with you, Daddy. Asking me how I’m doing and, more importantly, listening closely to my response shows me you value what’s inside my heart. Don’t dismiss me if I say something silly or trivial. Those little things help me feel safe when big things start to surface later in life.
If you listen now, I’ll believe you’ll listen in the future, too. And I’ll know my voice matters.
Actionable Tip
Put away distractions when you talk with her so she feels you’re fully present. Listening without advice or judgment can mean more than solving her problem.
3. I learn how I should be treated by how you treat my mom, whether you are married to her or not.
Your interactions with my mom shape what I’ll accept from relationships in the future. When you speak with kindness, respect her time, and acknowledge her contributions, you teach me that I deserve those same qualities from others.
But if you talk down to her, dismiss her opinions, or treat her poorly, I’ll assume that’s normal—and I might start to think it’s what I deserve, too.
Actionable Tip
Even if you’re no longer with her mother, show respect in how you speak about and interact with her. It lays a lasting foundation in your daughter’s view of relationships.
4. If you are angry with me, I feel it even if I don’t understand it, so talk to me.
I’m learning to interpret emotions, and when you’re upset, I’ll almost always blame myself, even if I don’t understand why you’re angry. Keeping your feelings bottled up or reacting sharply without explaining leaves me confused and withdrawn.
Instead, talk to me when you’re upset. Help me understand what went wrong and what I can do better. I will learn conflict doesn’t mean the absence of love.
Actionable Tip
When disciplining, use calm and clear explanations. Always reassure her afterward that your love is constant, even when mistakes are made.
5. Every time you show grace to me or someone else, I learn to trust God a little more.
Grace helps me see that love isn’t conditional. If you meet my mistakes or the failures of others with patience and understanding, I’ll grow to trust in bigger things, like forgiveness, faith, and hope.
When you react harshly, though, I might come to fear grace is something to be earned instead of freely given.
Actionable Tip
Model grace by forgiving quickly and openly. Share stories about your own moments of receiving compassion and what they meant to you.
6. I need to experience your nurturing physical strength, so I learn to trust the physicality of men.
Your gentle strength is powerful. When you wrap me in a strong yet tender hug or hold my hand as we walk, you teach me that not all strength is about power. Experiencing this kindness from you makes it easier for me to trust others—and myself—in situations that involve vulnerability.
Actionable Tip
Be playful, affectionate, and consistent in showing gentle strength. This can look like tossing her in the air during a park day or letting her climb onto your back for a piggyback ride.
7. Please don’t talk about sex like a teenage boy, or I think it’s something dirty.
The way you talk about sex—jokingly or seriously—has a lasting impact. When you frame it as gross or inappropriate, I might learn to associate shame with my own body and desires as I grow older. But when you approach it with maturity, I’ll treat it and myself with respect.
Actionable Tip
Stick to age-appropriate conversations, but focus on the idea of respect toward oneself and others in such discussions.
8. When your tone is gentle, I understand what you are saying much better.
Yelling or snapping at me doesn’t help me process what you’re trying to say. Instead, it leaves me scared or ashamed. But when you speak to me kindly and firmly, your words carry more weight, and I’m better able to understand your intentions.
Actionable Tip
Take a breath before speaking, especially if you’re frustrated. The gentler your tone, the clearer your message.
9. How you talk about female bodies when you’re ‘just joking’ is what I believe about my own.
Offhand remarks—even ones meant as playful jokes—about women’s appearances don’t just fade into the background. I notice, and I internalize. Those words teach me whether I should value myself for who I am or how I look.
Actionable Tip
Compliment women, including your daughter, for their intelligence, talents, and character qualities rather than their bodies.
10. How you handle my heart is how I will allow it to be handled by others.
Your actions teach me how my emotions should be treated. If you’re dismissive or rough with my heart, I’ll make excuses for others who do the same.
But if you handle my feelings tenderly and with care, I’ll expect that from others I invite into my life.
Actionable Tip
Validate her emotions, even when they don’t make sense to you. Reassure her that her feelings and experiences are significant.
11. If you encourage me to find what brings joy, I will always seek it.
Teach me to chase joy, whatever that looks like for me. If you encourage me to explore my passions, I’ll learn that it’s okay to invest in the things that make me happy. Whether it’s dance, painting, or solving math puzzles, your support will teach me to prioritize my well-being and live a life that feels fulfilling.
When joy becomes a priority that you nurture in me, I won’t feel guilty for pursuing it as I grow older. I’ll know that happiness isn’t a luxury—it’s something worth seeking and nurturing daily.
Actionable Tip
Celebrate her talents and interests, even if they don’t align with your own. Ask open-ended questions like, “What are you enjoying most right now?” to show your support for her passions.
12. If you teach me what safe feels like when I’m with you, I will know better how to guard myself from men who are not.
Safety is more than the physical—although that’s important, too. Safety also comes in the form of emotional security. If I feel safe with your words, your actions, and your presence, I’ll carry that knowledge forward into my future relationships.
Your example will help me identify when someone doesn’t treat me with respect. I’ll recognize when a situation feels wrong because I know how a good, safe relationship is supposed to feel, thanks to you.
Actionable Tip
Demonstrate both physical and emotional safety by respecting her boundaries, maintaining patience, and showing her she can trust you in any situation.
13. Teach me a love of art, science, and nature, and I will learn that intellect matters more than dress size.
Expose me to the wonders of the world—whether it’s reading books together, collecting leaves on a walk, or staring at the stars. Teach me that my worth lies in my curiosity and intellect, not in how I look.
If you show me how art can inspire, how science can solve mysteries, and how nature reveals beauty, I’ll grow up with a deep appreciation for knowledge and discovery. And I’ll believe that there’s so much more to me than appearances.
Actionable Tip
Make learning a shared experience. Go on nature hikes, explore the night sky, or teach her about your own favorite subjects. Showing her your enthusiasm will help her develop her own.
14. Let me say exactly what I want even if it’s wrong or silly, because I need to know having a strong voice is acceptable to you.
Sometimes I’ll say things that don’t make sense. Other times, I’ll be wrong. But letting me speak my mind, even when it’s unpolished or imperfect, teaches me that my voice is valuable. If I feel silenced when I’m little, I might lose the confidence to advocate for myself as I grow older.
Listening to me and encouraging me to speak shows me that what’s in my head and heart is worth hearing.
Actionable Tip
When she expresses herself, listen actively and affirm her efforts, even if her opinion differs from yours. You can model constructive dialogue without shutting her down.
15. When I get older, if you seem afraid of my changing body, I will believe something is wrong with it.
Puberty can be an awkward time for both of us, but your fear or discomfort about my changing body will teach me that the changes are wrong—or something to be ashamed of.
Instead of avoiding the topic or becoming distant, remain open and calm. Celebrate the fact that I’m growing, and help me feel proud of the person I’m becoming.
Actionable Tip
Normalize discussions about bodily changes with positivity. Simple reassurances like, “That’s totally normal,” or “You’re growing up beautifully,” can mean so much.
16. If you understand contentment for yourself, so will I.
Your attitude toward life teaches me a lot more than you might realize. If I see you rushing constantly, complaining often, or always chasing something new, I’ll learn that contentment isn’t achievable.
But if you model gratitude and find joy in the simple things—like family dinners, walks in the park, or quiet moments of reflection—I’ll believe that happiness comes from within, not from things or achievements.
Actionable Tip
Show her what gratitude looks like by sharing things you’re thankful for. Reinforce the idea that joy can exist even in life’s everyday moments.
17. When I ask you to let go, please remain available; I will always come back and need you if you do.
There will be times when I push you away or ask for independence. It might hurt your heart, but those moments are part of growing up. If you remain available and supportive, even when I seem distant, I’ll know I can come back to you whenever I need to.
You are my safety net, my anchor, and my compass—no matter how far I roam.
Actionable Tip
Give her room to grow while reassuring her of your constant love and availability. A message as simple as, “I’m here whenever you need me,” can strengthen your bond even in times of change.
18. If you demonstrate tenderness, I learn to embrace my own vulnerability rather than fear it.
Tenderness is often mistaken for weakness, but when I see you offer it to others, I’ll understand that it’s a sign of emotional strength. Becoming vulnerable doesn’t have to be scary—it can create connection and deepen relationships.
Your example will help me value grace and gentleness, both in myself and in others.
Actionable Tip
Model tenderness through small acts of kindness and empathy. Showing her that you can be both strong and soft will teach her balance.
19. When you let me help fix the car and paint the house, I will believe I can do anything a boy can do.
When you welcome me into activities that are traditionally male-dominated—like fixing the car, building furniture, or mowing the lawn—you teach me I’m just as capable as anyone else.
These lessons will create confidence in my abilities, enable me to pursue a wider range of interests, and make me believe I shouldn’t accept barriers based on my gender.
Actionable Tip
Invite her to join you in activities, regardless of stereotypes. Show her patience as she learns new tasks, and praise her independence when she succeeds.
20. When you protect my femininity, I learn everything about me is worthy of protecting.
Recognizing and respecting my femininity doesn’t mean treating me like I’m fragile. Protecting who I am shows me that my qualities—both soft and strong—deserve respect.
Every time you stand up for me, listen to me, or affirm my worth, you show me that I matter and that I’m capable of demanding the respect I deserve.
Actionable Tip
Stand firmly against anyone or anything that undermines her confidence, strength, or individuality. Teach her how to set boundaries and value herself.
21. How you treat our dog when you think I’m not watching tells me more about you than does just about anything else.
Your actions speak volumes, even more so when you think no one is looking. How you treat animals, waitstaff, or strangers shows me what kind of person you truly are. It shapes what I expect of others and what I hold myself to in terms of kindness and empathy.
Actionable Tip
Treat everyone and everything you encounter with respect and compassion. It’s a lesson she’ll carry forward in her own life.
22. Don’t let money be everything, or I learn not to respect it or you.
If money becomes the centerpiece of our relationship—whether through excessive spending or an obsession with earning—it can erode what truly matters. Teach me that while finances are important, they don’t define our happiness or your love for me.
Actionable Tip
Share conversations about balance—financial responsibility alongside prioritizing family and emotional connection.
23. Hug, hold, and kiss me in all the ways a daddy does that are right and good and pure. I need it so much to understand healthy touch.
Affection from you, when given in the right way, teaches me that physical closeness can be safe, loving, and reassuring. Without it, I might grow up unsure of what healthy touch looks or feels like.
Simply put, your hugs, kisses, and pats on the shoulder mean the world to me.
Actionable Tip
Establish habits of warmth and affection. Physical closeness helps her feel emotionally connected and loved.
24. Please don’t lie, because I believe what you say.
When you lie to me, even about small things, you teach me to question your words. Telling the truth—even when it’s awkward or uncomfortable—means I’ll see you as someone I can always trust.
Actionable Tip
Be honest, even during hard conversations. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it—transparency builds trust.
25. Don’t avoid hard conversations, because it makes me believe I’m not worth fighting for.
Avoiding tough topics might feel easier in the moment, but it teaches me that I’m not important enough to deal with uncomfortable truths. Lean into these conversations instead.
When you’re willing to guide me through life’s difficulties, you teach me that love and commitment mean showing up, even when it’s challenging.
Actionable Tip
Approach uncomfortable topics—like loss, emotions, or relationships—with patience and honesty. Show her she’s worth the effort, no matter how difficult the conversation.
What You Do Today Lasts a Lifetime
When you look at your little girl twirling in her frilly skirt, it might be hard to imagine the thoughtful, confident woman she’ll grow up to be. But the relationship you build with her today will influence every future step she takes.
Your love, words, and actions as a father are profound. Cherish your role, because to her, you’ve already hung the moon.